to carry us through.

this last weekend was offered up to me unexpectedly a couple of weeks ago, when a friend of mine invited me and a few of our other friends to spend the weekend over in central Washington. the plan was to spend the fourth of July at the lake, and drive up and back together. the idea sounded like fun to me from the beginning--I like these friends, and water, and also getting out of town--so I said I'd love to. I'd say my expectations were medium; a good time, something fun and different to do.

well, my expectations were absolutely blown out of the water. big time. I think, looking back over the many weekends I've had in my life (most of them good, I'm sure), this one was the best. I got to spend loads of time with a few people I love, I got to know some people that I am now very fond of, I got to drive long distances while listening to Tina Fey talk about her life, and I got to participate in several adventurous watersports that I can now cross off my mental bucketlist. it was just one of those 3-day periods where basically everything was fun and amazing, and that's kind of a rare thing in life.

and then it ended. I came home last night and put away my deflated blow-up floatie that I had splashed around with in the lake just the day before. I put away my swimsuits and my cooler and I washed the Wenatchee dust off my car. this morning, I woke up to a regular Monday in my own little town. not long ago, this would have given me major post-vacation letdown. it still did, a little bit. but the older I've gotten, the more I've come to realize that good things ending doesn't negate them in any way. the fact that they happened is what matters most.

I've got all these little memories and images and soundbytes locked safely away in my head. I can remember most of the hilarious things that were said and done, see the scrubby landscape and brilliant lake in my head, hear the voices and laughter of my friends, long after the sounds died away. I've still got the experience under my belt, and I'm still a fuller, happier, more copious person after last weekend than I was before. things happen, moments happen, weekends happen in order to change us, and they end because it's in their nature to do so.  but they leave a mark on us--and the good times leave us smiling, with stories and pictures and a gleam in our eyes to carry us through to the next great adventure.

#lovewins, and we need to show it. //

I am, like many I am sure, hesitant to comment on the subject of our recent supreme court ruling. There is so much potential to be wrong, to offend, to come off entirely the wrong way. But at the same time, I think there are things that need to be said, and maybe I need to say them. So here goes.

There's a hashtag going around that most of you have probably seen. For the past four days, it's adorned rainbow-watermarked pictures of gay and heterosexual individuals alike, all rejoicing at this newest constitutional ruling. And the thing is, most of the remarks I've seen are beautifully written and full of genuine joy. The individuals posting these pictures are truly, truly overjoyed at what has happened. They have responded to this supreme court ruling much the way I have responded to phenomenally good news in my own life. I get the sentiment--not toward this, but I get it just the same.

On the flipside, barring the remarks I've seen from within my own church and churches close to me, everything I've heard so-called Christians comment on the subject has been hateful and rude and, quite frankly, utterly shameful. In fact, to be quite honest with you, looking from the posts made by most of the pro-LGBTQers to the ones written by those against, I tend to like the pro a lot better. This isn't to say that I agree with their position or why they're rejoicing, because I don't. Problems abound. But problems also abound in the words of the right-wing conservative evangelicals who are posting for all the world to see that they hate these fags and sodomites who will hopefully burn in Hell for what they've done, and ASAP.

I am not saying that our God is not one of judgment. He is. He has endowed all his creatures with an innate sense of what is right and wrong, and there are consequences for our disordered love, for our rejection of what He has put into place. I believe this to be true with every fiber of my being--and that is part of what makes this issue important. If God didn't care what we did, if He were really the blind watchmaker who set the world in order and then left it to run without a pre-ordained course and plan, then none of this would even matter. We could all just do what we please, marry who we please, say whatever rude things we please.

But the same law of God that ultimately sets the pattern and plan for marriage is also a gospel, a beautiful and perfectly-woven story wherein God created mankind as an outpouring of His love, giving us his law so that we might grow ever closer to Him, gathering all nations and all people, each and every one of us a sinner, each and every one of us straying from His love and His law but then perfectly redeemed, perfectly invited back to the right order of love, the designed order.

The God who gave us law gave us also beauty, pleasure, romance, and the ability to forgive and give grace to others, just as He has done for us. These human beings are as much made in the image of God as we are, rejoicing in their false idea of love only because they have hearts capable of longing for love in the first place, hearts ultimately looking for satisfaction in something that can never satisfy them. This should only make us sad, make us hurt for them, but it should not make us angry. It should not make us lash out with self-righteous anger that we have no right and no reason to have.

They say that love wins, because when we as Christians are acting as we are, why should they not believe it? Why should they not see our hatred and bitter words and understand this supreme court ruling to be the ultimate victory of love over hate?

Our duty is to disciple, to minister, to demonstrate to every single person around us that what we have inside of us is not hate, but rather the best love of all; the love that forgives and feeds, that bestows kindness and gives grace, that demonstrates the law and love of God in word and in deed, through lives that, instead of cursing the sinners grasping onto this false rainbow, proclaim the love and mercy declared by the first one.

cast your cares. //

every finals week is the same way. it's one giant cycle of worries and freak-outs and resolutions and rejoicings. day in and day out for five or six or seven days, it's moments of intense pressure and distress and tears, and then moments of relief and happiness. it's going from "there's no way I can do this," to "oh my gosh, I just did it. whaddya know."

but what if there was only confidence, only gladness, only the moments of gratitude that usually come only after a test has been conquered, after a paper has been written and turned in? what if we realized that the very fact that we are here, breathing, studying, thinking, is a gift and a blessing and a cause for rejoicing in and of itself? let's be real here--we have no reason to run up our blood pressure or waste tears or flop back on our beds complaining that our lives are the worst. we have no reason to worry and no reason to be sad. in fact, we have no right to any of those things. we have only one duty in finals week and every other week or day or minute when things get hard or unpleasant:

be  t h a n k f u l. realize that your life is actually pretty great. realize that because we have a Savior who freed us from sin and the devil and gave us every good thing, we have nothing to fear and nothing to complain about. and in the case of this finals week, these last few days before the golden months of summer, we have quite a few amazing things to love and thank the Lord for. we have flowers and shady trees and green grass. we have teachers who care about us and want to help us learn and think and become copious. we have classmates and friends and parents who love and support us no matter what, no matter whether we bomb that final or ace it. really.

this week shouldn't be a cycle of highs and lows. nervousness is normal and even helpful, but sadness and depression are not. be happy. let the grace of God wash over you. pray about what's worrying you, and pray that it would stop worrying you. thank God for the opportunities He's given you, and remember that He's gotten you through every final, every paper, every time. study outside and smile because the sun is warm and unfailing. and more than anything, attack what's been set before you. face what God's given you to do with a fierce heart and a ready mind. give it your all, and if you have to, sin boldly. God saved us for this, to work hard and sing praise and trust in Him.

so go: put your worries away. write and sleep and eat and fill yourself up with praise.

blank pages. //

almost exactly a year ago, I sat down and composed a post about finishing freshman year. I remember it like it was yesterday--sitting down with this same laptop, compiling my thoughts and concerns and excitement. I couldn't believe I had been at NSA for a whole school year.

and now, just like that, press fast forward and watch the days whir past and it's been another freaking year. I don't know how this keeps happening.

we sat in our last lecture of sophomore year this afternoon. I remember sitting in the first lecture for that class back in August, excited and nervous and with no idea what to expect. and now, I can't really imagine not having sat in the class sixty or so times, making awkward eye contact with my classmates during lectures on reproduction, surreptitiously eating cookies and drinking coffee, acting out photosynthesis and passing around turtle shells and coral. is this what all of life is like, beginning to end? just starting out and then, all of a sudden, being done?

I guess I could have known (probably did know) a year ago that I would inevitably be sitting here, a year later, looking back on another year spent. but this is what we do and will continue to do as long as we live. we look back on the past, and brace ourselves with excitement and longing and trepidation for the future. in five years, or ten, I could be (probably will be) sitting down at a laptop, typing up thoughts and reminiscing on years past. and this moment at the end of my sophomore year will not really be an end, but only a beginning. and I'll think to myself, as I'm thinking to myself now,

I had no idea.

this makes me feel sick and happy and sad all at the same time. I miss all the old moments, even the ones that just happened, and I like this moment, and I know in a second it'll be gone and I'll be a different person. and that by the end of my life, all my full years will just be a compilation of a million moments, 80 or 90 past years that blend and run together and form as a lot one cohesive, messy, hard, amazing story. there will be thousands of endings and beginnings and things that will never happen again and things that haven't happened yet, and that's the only way it can be. it's the only way it's supposed to be.

we'll never sit in that classroom the same way, or talk about the same things, or exchange the same looks. but I'll also never breathe this same air. I'll never live through another sixth of May, two thousand fifteen. these things have to pass on and away and make room, but they're never really gone. God knows where I was a year ago and where I am at this second and where I will be next year and the year after that. He creates and understands every single moment that passes, the good ones and the bad ones and the ones that don't even register. all the fullness of our lives and our understanding is wrapped up in Him, so that we can periodically stop, as I'm doing right now, and reflect on just a tiny portion of them. I know that this moment will pass, as will all of junior year and senior year and the rest of my life, but not for nothing--it's all etched permanently and meaningfully into my story, and there are pages and pages full of beautiful words and pictures, and many more still blank.

so let's get to it. 

the memory challenge. //

I've decided to do something fun, because it's Spring Break & the school year is winding down, and I really need to write more. so here's the plan--7 days, 7 good memories from the past year, put down on paper (screen?) vividly and creatively. join me if you want, we'll see how it goes.